I was outside earlier tonight … the moon was up, imperceptibly waning, close enough to touch. Cold front coming in, clouds racing across the sky. It looked more like your sky than mine. Here the clouds waft lazily by. Your clouds fly overhead, and tonight they were silvery layers of gauze diffusing it, till finally it emerged, whole, white and clear. How many full moons had passed since that first?
That was then, now the rain has closed in. There’s a small dripping glow on my window, otherwise all is dark, like one of your paintings.
When I was outside, the wind was gusting, a roar, a rising ebb and flow punctuated by percussive blasts against my ears. I recognize the sound, it’s the sound of the circle that night. I listen for an echo of your voice, for my voice – I hear nothing but the wind.
But I remember.
For a moment I have this horrible sensation, that I imagined the whole thing, that each time I thought I was with you, I was actually alone.
Then I find this photo. It’s that night, at the farm. Letting the dogs out before bed, the last smoke. We lived that. We never wanted it to end. It was just two weeks, but long enough for me to find home.
The moon became our lantern, illuminating our love.
I saw it in your skin glowing pale in the moonlight atop the barrow on the edge of the plain, the lights twinkling in the valley below. In your eyes flashing black in the depths of the ancient tomb, amongst the ghost of the ancestors. The liquidity of you in the lake under yet another moon … under a canopy of trees, showered by falling leaves on another still. It was drunk and flying through the stones of the circle together on a moonless night …
Whether reality or planted by you in my mind, all are equally real. It’s who we were.
It was all that and more. You thought me mad for holding on for two or three weeks. You held on how many years to a dream of us? What I held onto was flesh and blood, no dream.
You were possessed back then, as I am now. We were desperate to say what we said to each other. Your words possessed me, your thoughts rearranged me. That was your intention, you succeeded.
When we were together you were Diana, the lady Artemis racing across the moon with me at your side. That’s who I fell in love with, that crazed goddess that lived inside you. I’ll always believe she lies within you still.
As you said, you changed, I didn’t. It was my role to be consistent, and I have, I still face that same cliff I faced with you, Except with you I didn’t leap alone.
I loved you then, I love you now. I know it’s too late to unsay all that’s been said, going back to the beginning, to that moonless night when I pledged eternal love. That vow at times feels like a curse, but it’s one I must keep all the same. It’s who I am.
There’s one person with whom we get to share a soul. You don’t get soulmates … it’s singular and I found mine. I go forward alone now, your chariot has raced far ahead of me, and as we cannot share that soul any longer I leave it for you, and live without one.
I stand on the edge, looking down, defying the inevitable and feel your gentle push.
And yet I’ve also felt your love, so instead I fly.